Georgia On My Mind
by SoulfullyInclined
Summary: A Savannah Story. Sorry I know the summary's bad and there isn't much of one. Contains cutting, sex abuse, abuse. Rating for later chapters. I don't own anyone. *Please Review. If you review I'll write more so please do. Be Kind/Nice.*
1. School

I was at school before classes actually started. I wasn't in a classroom, the hallway or even the auditorium although I guess I could've been in the auditorium since it was probably open and the security guards weren't at school yet. I was in the 2nd floor girls bathroom, in a stall, cutting with my shiny metal razorblade. I had already made several cuts on my arms earlier.

I'd been cutting since I was 13. That was a hard year. That was the year my Uncle Simon was killed. As was my Great Aunt Julie, one of my grandfather's favourite people. That was also the year my dad had been shot. He wasn't killed, if that's what you're thinking. He was, however, in the hospital for several months. My Uncle Simon and Great Aunt Julie both had been driving drunk and crashed into each other, killing each other instantly. My dad had been trying to stop a guy from shooting at another guy when he got shot at himself. That was a really hard year for my mom and I both as well as the rest of the family. My Aunt Ruthie, a psychologist and Mom's younger sister, had taken time off to help with all of this. All of these things happened in winter. That was one reason I didn't like winter.

The other reason I didn't like winter was because of my depression. SAD, to be more exact. Ruthie was the one who had diagnosed me, actually. I had been seeing her for about a year now and really liked her. Everything said between us was strictly confidential, even though I was 17. Since Ruthie had grown up in the family she knew what it was like. She wasn't married and didn't have any children of her own but said if I ever needed somewhere to stay I could stay with her, which I had several times.

It was snowing outside. It had been snowing for several days now and would probably continue to do so. We were in the dead of winter. I had woken up that morning feeling worse than usual. No, I wasn't pregnant, not yet anyway. Although with the way things kept going, I might be. I had stopped having sex with guys some time ago because I was so depressed I didn't get anything out of it it wasn't fun for me anymore. I knew what was wrong with me. I had depression.

Ruthie knew that I cut. She wasn't against it but she wasn't for it, either. She and I discussed, among other things, why I cut and the 'cutting dynamics' rather than telling me I needed to stop.

After I finished cutting, I wrapped my arms in the gauze I had brought with me then slid the long sleeves of my black turtleneck over them. The cuts hurt but the inner pain hurt more. I then walked out of the bathroom, into the hall, sat down and waited for school to start. After school I had a session with aunt ruthie. School was boring and nothing much interested me anymore.


	2. Starbucks

After school, I made my way through the students down to the first floor and into the large auditorium. The security guards were too busy noticing the student-filled hallway to notice me. I went and sat on the edge of the large wooden stage, in the middle of it. I'd told Aunt Ruthie I'd be there. After about 20 minutes she came into the auditorium, down tthe aisle toward the stage.

"Hey Savannah," she said when she saw me.

"Hey," I said, getting off the stage with my coat and messenger bag.

"How are you?" she asked.

"Ok I guess."

"Oh. The snow's really comin down out there."

"Yeah, it is."

"I was thinking we could go to a café."

"Ok."

"Unless you'd rather meet at your house?"

"No, a café is fine. Sorry just don't feel much like talking."

"It's ok I understand. You look nice, by the way."

"Thank you."

I was wearing all black, the colour I was feeling.

We made our way out of the auditorium and into the whote front hall where we zipped up our coats and put our hats, gloves and scarves on. As we were leaving the front doors of the school, Aunt Ruthie opened her black umbrella to shield us from the cold snow. We got in the car and Aunt Ruthie closed her umbrella. We closed and locked the doors, put on our seatbelts and Aunt Euthie started driving to a nearby coffee shop. On the way over there, I sighed.

"What?" Aunt Ruthie asked, keeping her eyes on the road.

"Jus..it's winter."

"I know, Savannah. I miss him too."

She knew what I meant by this. Not jus tthat it was winter but what it meant.

She pulled into a parking space in front of the Starbucks. We took off our seatbelts, unlocked the car and got out.

"A nice place to go on a day like this," I said.

"Yeah definitely," Aunt Ruthie agreed.

We went up onto the snow-covered sidewalk and we walked to the front door. Aunt Ruthie opened it and we stepped inside, letting the large door close behind us.

"Do you know what you want?" Aunt Ruthie asked me.

I nodded; "yes. Hot choclit and a choclit muffin. I've been craving choclit all day."

"On a day like this it's hard not to."

We stepped up to the counter and Aunt Ruthie ordered. She had a berry currant scone and an espresso while I had hot choclit and 2 choclit muffins. She paid and we found a table together. We sat on a couch near the large front window and set our beverages and food on the low dark wooden coffee table in front of us. Jazz music was playing, Miles Davis.

"This feels like we're in your office," I commented.

Aunt Ruthie laughed.

"Do you know who this is?" she asked me, about the music.

I nodded again; "yes. Miles Davis."

"Yes."

She took a sip of her coffee as I took a sip of my hot choclit.

"Hey Aunt Ruthie?" I asked.

"Yes, Savannah?"

"I was thinking that maybe after this I could go over to Pansy and Margo's."

"Well, I think your mom wants you home for dinner, Savannah. I'll be coming to dinner though. But maybe after."

"Ok."

"I'll let her know. Exscuse me."

"Ok."

sHE went outside and called Mom to let her know what was going on, then came back inside and sat down.

"Wow it's cold out there," she said, sipping her coffee.

"Yeah I know. And after being so warm you're not expecting it as much."

"That's true."

I started eating my muffin.

"So how was your day?" Aunt Ruthie asked me.

"Ok I guess. Kind of boring. Long."

"Yeah. Winter makes the days seem longer."

"Yeah that's true."

The coffee shop was crowded, probably because everyone wanted to get out of the cold.

"How's the cutting going?" Aunt Ruthie asked me.

"Um ok I guess. It's definitely become more….evident since it started snowing."

"Yes well. It happens."

We finished our food and drove back to my house.

Once at my house we put our winter things away and went into the kitchen where Mom was.

"Hi Lucy," Aunt Ruthie greeted Mom.

"Hi Ruthie," Mom greeted her sister.

"The garlic bread's in the oven."

"Ok."

Aunt Ruthie went to the oven to take the bread out.

"Hi Savannah," Mom said.

"Hi."

"How was your day?"

"Ok."

"Dad's stuck at work because of the snow."

"Oh."

"Savannah, I don't mind if you go over to Margo and Pansy's after dinner."

"Ok."

"I don't know how long your dad will be stuck at the station though."

"Oh."

Aunt Ruthie took put oven mitts on, took the silver tray of bread out of the oven and then sat at the kitchen table. The pasta was in a strainer in the sink.


	3. Chapter 3

It was 7 p.m. and I was over at my friend Pansy Violet Rose Pike's house, more commonly known as Pansy. We were in her large room on her large bed, talking. Her mom, Margo was somewhere else in the house. Margo and my mom had been friends when they were our age. Their house was big enough for a bunch of bedrooms, a kitchen, a living room, bathrooms, hot tubs and 2 ballet studios. Margo and Pansy were both dancers; Margo danced professionally and sometimes left Pansy home alone for weeks at a time. On the opposing wall from the bed was a bulletin board with a pair of pointe shoes on it, along with playbills and programs from various plays and ballets. Margo and Pansy frequently went to New York and London. Pansy also had several ballet posters up on her walls which were once Margo's. It was dark and Pansy's heavy, giant red velvet drapes were drawn over all the windows in her room.

"How was your day?" Pansy asked me.

"Ok I guess. Long. School was boring then I had a session with Aunt Ruthie."

"Oh. How was that?"

"Good."

"Oh."

"How was your day?" I asked Pansy.

"Same. Tiring."

"Yeah what with all that ballet."

"Yeah."

Along with school, Pansy took ballet twice a day every week day. Once in the morning and once in the night. The class she took at night lasted longer.

"The winter makes the days longer," Pansy observed after awhile.

"Yeah it does. That's what Aunt Ruthie said."

"Oh."

It was warm in Pansy's room due to the fire burning in the large, white stone fire place.

"Pansy, Savannah!" Margo called up the stairs.

"Yeah?" Pansy replied.

"I'm going to order some pizza what do you want?"

"Cheese and pepperoni," I called back.

"Ok. And then Savannah, if we have extra, which we probably will, you can take it home."

"Ok."

Marago and I would eat some of the pizza as would Mom and Dad when I brought it home. I knew that Pansy wouldn't eat any as she didn't eat much. How she could still survive I didn't know.


	4. Party Rape Dizziness Everything's Blurry

All week I, and everyone else in school, had been hearing news of this party that was going on Friday night. Tonight was finally the night. I didn't usually go to parties but I had nothing better to do on a Friday night and my parents, Aunt Ruthie and Margo were out of town. Margo was in New York and my parents and Aunt Ruthie were visiting my grandparents in California.

I was at the front door of a huge house of some girl I didn't even know but who apparently went to our school even though I had never seen her before. Everyone was invited to the party. I was just about to ring the doorbell when the door opened.

"Hi," the girl said.

"You look nice. Here let me take your coat."

"Um thank you but I really wasn't planning to stay-" I began.

"No go on have fun dance with your friends".

"I don't have any-" I started to say but the girl pushed me into the dark mass of bodies.

You couldn't really see anything as the lights were turned off.

"Hey wanna dance?" I heard a male voice say.

"No I don't really want to-"

"Here have some soda," another male voice said.

"Um well thank you."

I took the plastic party cup he had thrust into my hand.

"Cmon lets dance," the first male voice said.

"I'm Chris whets your name?"

"Um well I'm ahhh!"

I yelled as someone bumped into me, causing some of the soda to fly out of the cup. I continued dancing. All the bodies were very close to each other. I drank a little of the soda and noticed that it tasted like root beer and something else something I'd never had before. It was sweet and bitter all at the same time. The soda made me dizzy after a few more sips but that couldn't be right. Had someone-? My thoughts were interrupted by the pounding music.

"Cmon lets go upstairs where we can get away from all these people," the male voice who had introduced himself as Chris said.

He grabbed my hand and led me somewhere.

"No I really don't-"

"Cmon!"

Pretty soon my legs found the stairs. I could barely stand at that point but managed to make it up the stairs. I learned through climbing them that they were curved. The stairs and up the stairs were also dark. There were even more people upstairs if that were even possible.

Chris led me into what I think was a bedroom because he pushed me onto something large and soft, something that felt like a bed. The lights weren't on in this room. The door was closed and locked. Chris told me I looked tired. I did feel pretty tired but that was due to something beyond my control. I got a glimpse of Chris's blonde hair and brown eyes in the moonlight.

"Stupid moon," he said and went to close the drapes.

He then came over to the bed and did away with me. It was incredibly blurry, painful and dizzy. Everything from that point on was blurry, dizzy and painful. I remember pushing past bodies to find my coat. I frantically dug through the stack of coats until I found my coat and my purse. I pushed through some more bodies, trying to get to the kitchen.

"Exscuse me pardon me" I kept saying as I made my way through the dancing sea of bodies.

I knew there was a phone in the kitchen because most houses had phones in the kitchen. I remember punching in numbers through my tears that made everything misty and that much blurrier.

"Miss can you tell me where you are? Miss? Miss? What's your name miss?" the guy on the other end of the line asked me.

"Savannah….. was the last thing I remember saying before I passed out on the hard dark tile of the hard kitchen floor.


	5. Hospital

**Saturday**

* * *

The next morning I woke up in a white hospital bed in a white room in the hospital. I didn't know how I got here. Through the window to the left of my bed it was snowing outside. A nurse was standing on the other side of it.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi. How did I get here?"

"You passed out and then someone brought you here."

"Who?"

"We don't know. They didn't say who they were just that it was an emergency."

"It's Saturday, right?"

"Yes. You're Savannah, right? Savannah Camden Kinkirk?"

I nodded.

"The police weren't sure whose names you were telling them."

"Oh. They asked me my name and I told them."

"Who are Lucy, Ruthie and Kevin?"

"Lucy's my mom and Kevin's my dad. Ruthie's my aunt. She's a psychologist."

"Oh. Kevin works for the police force right?"

"Yeah. They're visiting my grandparents in California right now."

"Oh."

"Then I passed out. I'm hungry."

"We've had you hooked up to an iv since you came here. You've been sleeping on and off. But you can go to the cafeteria if you like."

"Oh."

"So you know what happened?"

I nodded.

"Yes. So I was…"

The nurse nodded, confirming what I knew.


	6. Monday Morning

**Monday**

* * *

It was Monday 10 a.m. it was still snowing. Aunt Ruthie and I were in my room having our session. I was sitting on my bed. My dad was at work and my mom was downstairs.

"Aunt Ruthie," I said.

She looked at me; "yes Savannah?"

"Um I have something I need to tell you. Well, you, Mom and Dad actually."

"Go right ahead."

"Something happened to me at that party Friday night."

"Oh Savannah."

"Yes, a guy he………hurt me."

"You mean?"

"Yes. He………well, he raped me."

"Oh that's terrible."

"Yeah, I know it is. I just I don't want to believe it."

"I know you don't. No one wants to believe anything like that could happen to them. It's the same thing as when someone dies."

"That's why we're all so shocked."

"Yes. It is."

"You know we're going to have to tell your parents, especially your dad so he can lock up whoever did it."

I nodded; "yes. I do."

"Do you know who it was?"

"He introduced himself as Chris. He told me I looked tired. He had brown eyes and blonde hair." He also told me we could go upstairs where it wasn't as crowded."

Aunt Ruthie leaned forward; "Savannah, I hate to say it but those are tactics use to make their victims feel more comfortable, so to speak."

"I don't see how anyone can feel comfortable when they're being raped."

"Did he give you anything?"

"Yes. He gave me something that made me dizzy."

"It was probably a date rape drug."

"Oh god."

"What else happened?"

"Well I remember pushing past a lot of bodies and going downstairs into the kitchen. I then called the police. I told them my name, my parent's names and your name before I passed out."

"Ok. What else?"

"Saturday morning I woke up at the hospital."

"So someone had brought you there."

"Yes."

A pause while Aunt Ruthie shifted in her chair and I shifted in my bed.

"Savannah, I know of something that could really help you."

"What is it?"

"I work at a clinic for young women who have been raped. Some of them live there and some don't. they're all really nice and I think you would really like them. We do all sorts of activities there and its primarily art based. It's sort of like art therapy."

"Ok. When's the next time you're going?"

"Tuesday. Would you like to come?"

"Yes."


	7. Living Room

It was now 10 p.m. Monday night and dad had just gotten home from a long day at work. He and Mom were sitting in the living room talking. Aunt Ruthie and I went downstairs into the living room. Dad was still in his police uniform. "Hi Ruthie hi Savannah," he said.

"Hi Kevin," Aunt Ruthie said.

"Hi," I said.

"How was your session?" he asked.

"Good. How was work?" Aunt Ruthie answered.

"Ok. Long. I had to report 2 rapists which is never easy."

I gasped.

Dad looked at me; "Savannah? Are you alrite?"

"Um well actually…"

"Come sit down. Would you like anything to drink?" Mom asked.

Aunt Ruthie sat down on the white couch next to Dad and I sat next to Aunt Ruthie.

"I have something to tell you," I replied.

Aunt Ruthie looked up at mom who was standing; "yes we would. Coffee for me."

"Coffee for me as well," Dad replied.

Mom looked at me; "ok and for you Savannah?"

"Hot choclit," I said.

"Ok."

Mom went into the kitchen.

Dad looked at me expectantly; "go ahead Savannah."

"I want to wait until Mom gets here."

"Ok."

Everything in our living room was white; the walls, the ceiling, the stone fireplace which had a fire burning in it. After a few minutes mom came out of the kitchen holding a tray with 4 mugs of hot choclit and 4 slices of choclit cake on plates. She set the tray down on the coffee table then sat down herself on the other side of me. I picked up a mug and took a sip from it. Dad took a sip of his coffee. We started eating the cake.

Mom looked at me.

"What is it, Savannah?" she asked.

"Something happened to me Friday night," I began.

"Yes, you went to that party."

"No, that's not what I meant. Something happened to me at the party. I um I was raped."

"By someone you knew?"

"No."

Dad stood up.

"We have to get the name of every guy who was at that party," he said.

"He said his name was Chris," I continued.

Aunt Ruthie stood up; "Kevin, I know you're upset."

"What else happened?" Mom asked.

I told them what I had told Aunt Ruthie.

"Upset? Ruthie, of course I'm upset someone just raped my daughter Friday night!"

"Kevin, the yelling's really not helping."

I looked up; "she's right its not."


	8. Tuesday Morning

**Tuesday**

* * *

It was the next day, Tuesday, at 10 a.m. I was outside; it was snowing around me and behind me. I was standing in front of the tall, white wooden door of Margo and Pansy's large white house. I was very cold. I rang the small, white oval doorbell then knocked.

"Just a minute," I heard Margo call.

She walked to the door, unlocked and opened it.

"Oh hi Savannah," she greeted me.

"Hi," I said.

Her long, dark brown hair was up in a bun.

"Come on in. We're having breakfast."

She opened the door wider and stepped to the side so I could come in. The house was warm and I could hear a fire burning and crackling in the fireplace. I came in and she closed and locked the door behind me.

"Would you like some breakfast?" Margo asked me.

I had eaten breakfast several hours earlier at 7 but by this time I was hungry again.

"Yes," I told her, as we walked through the entryway and into the kitchen. Pansy was sitting at the kitchen table.

"Hi Savannah," she greeted me.

"Hi."

Margo walked to the waffle iron and looked at me.

"Waffle?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Ok. There are muffins in the tin next to the microwave if you want one."

"Ok."

I walked to the cabinet next to the one above the stove, opened it, got out a glass, a bowl and a plate, and closed it.

"It looks cold out there," Pansy observed.

"Yeah, it is," I replied.

"It'll probably keep on snowing," Margo said from the waffle iron.

"yeah, according to the weather."

I then walked to the fridge and got out the bottle of fruit punch, which I poured into the glass, and some peach slices which I put into the bowl.

"So how are you?" Pansy asked me.

"Ok I guess. How are you?"

"Ok."

"Why what's wrong?" Margo asked me.

"I have something to tell you. The both of you, actually."

"Oh."

"But I'd rather do it after breakfast."

"Ok."

I opened the drawer by the oven and took out a fork and a knife, then closed it. I put the bottle of fruit punch back in the fridge and gave the plate to Margo and carried the glass and silverware over to the table then took the lid off the muffin tin and started eating a banana nut muffin. I went over and sat down at the kitchen table. Margo brought the waffle that was now on a plate over to the table. She unplugged the waffle iron and sat down at the kitchen table herself where she and I ate our breakfast. Pansy, of course, was not eating. We went into the living room and I told them what had happened.


	9. Thoughts

Author's Notice: these are some of my thoughts about my own experiences with rape. I'm thinking of editing it. Let me know what you think.

I couldn't believe it. Yet another thing to add to the list of not liking winter along with my SAD and the fact that when I was 13 my uncle and great aunt had died in the winter. Rape, death and SAD. What a classic combination. It's what everyone orders when they go to the restaurant of emotions. With a side of bitter, anger, shock and fear. And a light sprinkling of snow. The snow was the salt. The rape, death and SAD were the main dishes.

As Aunt Ruthie and I had discussed, no one wanted to believe awful things such as this could happen to them. This is brought up in the story of Job in the Bible and in the play. Everyone wanted to believe that we could live forever and that we were all innocent. In the sense of innocent until proven guilty, yes, we are. In the sense that we didn't know any better, yes, we are. In the sense that were innocent as children, no, we aren't. No women deserves this. The most awful thing to happen to a woman the most awful crime. But the difference between rape and death was, that if you were raped, at least you were alive which meant you could do something about it. No, you couldn't do something about the fact that IT had happened. But you could do something about how you dealt with it. It wasn't your choice what had happened to you your body. You hadn't chosen to be raped. But you could choose how to deal with it.

I had just finished a cutting session and now I knew why. I always knew why but now I had another reason to add to the list. For control.


	10. Wednesday

Aunt Ruthie pulled open the door of a large building open.

"This," she said, "is the clinic."

A girl passed us on her way somewhere.

"Hi Ruthie," she said.

She had long brown hair and green eyes.

"Hi Laura," Aunt Ruthie said. "This is my niece, Savannah."

"Hi Savannah I'm Laura."

"Hi. Nice to meet you."

The last time I had said those words was at the party. That hadn't even been a week ago.

"Thanks, you too. I'm off to get some art supplies………would you like to come with me? I'll show you around."

"Um ok."

"Bye Savannah have fun," Aunt Ruthie said as she went somewhere.

I started walking with Laura.

"Everyone here is really nice," she said.

"Yeah that's what Aunt Ruthie said," I replied.

"She's a great person."

We walked to a closet which had shelves which were stacked with all sorts of art supplies. Laura got some coloured pencils out of a small gray plastic bin and we went to a room where there were a lot of young women sitting around a low, round table, drawing and coloring. Music was playing in the backround; I recognized the song. It was Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. Down the hall, I could hear someone reciting a Maya Angelo poem. Somewhere else in the building, I heard a Tori Amos song playing.

Several of the young women looked up when Laura and I entered the room.

"Everyone," Laura said, "I would like you to meet Savannah, Ruthie's niece."

"Hi," I said.

"Hey," they chorused.

They introduced themselves.


	11. Chapter 11

**Monday**

* * *

It was Monday night at 9 p.m. and I was in my room reading White Oleander. Mom was downstairs and Dad hadn't come home from work yet. Outside, it was dark. Both outside and inside it was quiet. Downstairs the front door swung open banging against the wall. I knew this meant Dad was home although he usually didn't make such an entrance.

"Hi how was work?" Mom said.

"Lucy where's my dinner?" Dad asked.

"I thought you had dinner at the station."

"I did but I'm hungry now. Now where's my dinner?"

"I I didn't make any Kevin."

"I want some dinner now."

"We don't usually have dinner at this time, you know that."

"When I'm hungry I want something to eat."

"Kevin I really-"

"Lucy, have you paid the bills yet?"

"No. That was your job this month, remember?"

I heard Mom go into the kitchen. I came downstairs and into the kitchen.

"Yes hello Ruthie?" Mom said into the white phone; "hi Ruthie can you come over? It's Kevin. Ok. Bye."

Mom reached into a low white cabinet and pulled out a small, clear bottle of vodka.

"Mom," I said surprised.

She turned and looked at me.

"Oh hi honey. How are you?" she asked.

"Ok."

I looked at the bottle and wondered how many more she had; "but I thought you swore never to drink."

"Oh Savannah."

"You told me at the funerals that you would never drink."

My Uncle Simon and Great Aunt Julie had both been killed, by each other, while driving drunk. They'd been killed instantly. At the funerals Mom had told me she would never drink.

Dad came into the kitchen.

"Hey can I have some of that?" he asked Mom.

"Get it yourself," she said.

I went back upstairs to my room.

"Savannah," Dad called; "could you come down here please?"

I walked out of my room, down the hall and to the top of the stairs but didn't see him anywhere. I went back to my room and called my uncle Matt from my cell phone.

"Hello?" their daughter, my 29 yr old cousin Leah asked.

"Hi Leah," I said.

"Hi Savannah. Did you want to talk to Rachel or Jane?"

Rachel was her daughter who was my age. Jane was Matt's daughter who was my age.

"No I wanted to talk to Matt. Is he there?"

"Yeah hold on."

Pause.

"Hello?" Matt said.

"Hi."

"Hi Lucy how are you?"

"Um ok. How are you?"

"Ok."

"How's Elizabeth?" I asked, about my aunt, his wife.

"Ok. Did you want to talk to Jane?"

"No I wanted to talk to you, actually."

"Oh ok. Whatsup?"

"Dad came home and then yelled at Mom about dinner and the bills."

"Oh."

"And then Mom got out the vodka."

"I thought she swore never to drink after Simon and Aunt Julie were killed."

"Yeah that's what I thought too."


	12. Tuesday

**Tuesday**

* * *

It was the next day, Tuesday and I was sitting at a table with my friends Amanda, Louisa, Fiona, Chelsea, Oceana, Shannon, Samantha, Raven, Luna, Jennifer, Autumn, Cecilia, Summer, October, Keisha, Pansy, Rose, Melissa, Chrysanthemum, Cassandra and Sapphire. Keisha was the only black one in the group which didn't matter to any o f us. They were all daughters of my mom's friends when she was my age. Rachel and Jane were there as well.

"Mom had to work late again last night," Amanda told us.

"Didn't get in until 2 this morning," her sister Leah said.

"She and Dad argued," Amanda continued.

"Oh," I said.

Their mom, Karen, was a psychologist who worked with my Aunt Ruthie. She also worked at a clinic for young women with eating disorders and sometimes had to work really late.

"Mom left for New York last night. Again," Pansy said.

"Oh," I said.

Pansy's mom, Margo danced professionally and often went to New York, leaving Pansy alone in the house, sometimes for weeks at a time.

"Dad called again last night, drunk, as usual," Jennifer said.

Her mom lived with this other guy who was not Jennifer's father.

"Well," I said.

Everyone looked at me.

"Dad came home last night and started arguing with Mom about dinner and the bills. Then Mom called Aunt Ruthie and got out the vodka."


	13. Chapter 13

I came home at 4 p.m. that day. I'd had to take the b us because Mom's friends were all busy, Mom was busy, Dad was at work and Aunt Ruthie was at work. I unlocked and opened the door and heard dad yelling from the kitchen. I closed and locked the front door. I walked into the kitchen and saw him hitting her. I stood there shocked. Dad looked at me. I ran up the stairs into my bathroom where I closed and locked the door. I leaned against a pillow against the white door and took out my small, round, black film canister from where I had put it in my messenger bag. I opened the film canister and took out my razorblade. I put the film canister on the floor. I took off my coat hat scarves and gloves and put them on the floor as well. I pushed up the long sleeves of my long black velvet dress. I started cutting angrily. After about 20 minutes I wrapped my arms in gauze put the razorblade back in the film canister and put the film canister back in my bag. By this time, I was crying, upset and frightened. From my cell phone I called Aunt Ruthie at her office.

"Hello, Ruthie Camden speaking," she said from her office phone.

"Hey it's Savannah do you have a minute?"

"Um yeah hold on Savannah."

After a few minutes she picked up the phone.

"Hi Savannah. I can talk now."

"Ok."

"What do you need?"

"Well, to talk."

"What about?"

"When I came home, Dad was hitting Mom."

"Ok. Did he hit you?"

"No but I'm afraid he's going to."

"Where are you now?"

"In my bathroom. I i…..hold on."

"Ok."

I put the phone down on the side of the tub, turned on the faucet and filled a cup up with water. I then turned the faucet off, took a sip of the water and picked the phone up.

"Ok," I said.

"Ok."

"I…….i also cut."

"Because of what you saw?"

I nodded, forgetting she couldn't see me nod.

"Yeah."

"How much?"

"A lot.

"Ok…………Savannah, I hate to do this to you right now but I have an appointment. Keep me posted though"

"Ok bye."

"Bye."

We hung up.

I then called Matt and my friend Jennifer and talked to them.


	14. Chapter 14

**Wednesday**

* * *

It was 10 p.m. Wednesday night and I was in my room, on my bed, reading more of White Oleander. Dad, who had been home from work for an hour, was downstairs and Mom was in the kitchen.

"Savannah!" Dad called.

I put my book face down on my bed.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Come down here I need to talk to you."

I couldn't imagine why my dad would need to talk to me.

I went out of my room, down the hall and down the stairs, where Dad was waiting for me. Instead of talking, he hit me on my face.

"Wha what?" I said, shocked.

He hit me again.

"You said you wanted to talk to me, not hit me. Talking is not hitting."

He hit me again.

Mom came out of the kitchen.

"Kevin," she said to my dad.

He turned and looked at her.

"I thought we made an agreement when we got married to never hit our kids," she said.

Dad walked forward and hit mom. I went into the kitchen and got an ice pack from the freezer then went upstairs to my room and called Matt.

"Yeah hello?" he answered.

"Hey, its Savannah."

"Oh hey Savannah whats up?"

"Dad just hit me."

"He what?"

"Dad just hit me," I repeated, slower; "and he's still hitting Mom."

"Oh god. I can't believe this!"

"Matt, is everything alrite?" I heard Elizabeth call.

"Um no, not over there its not," he called back.

"What's going on?"

"I'll tell you later."

"Ok."

"Sorry about that," Matt told me.

"It's ok."

"Ok."

"I know, I can't believe it either. And I don't want to."

"I thought they'd made an agreement."

"That's the point Mom brought up. And yes, they had."

"Oh. Is your mom there?"

"Yeah but you'll have to call her cell."

"Ok. Bye."

"Bye."

We hung up and I called Jennifer's house.

"Hello?" her mom, Morgan said.

"Hi Morgan is Jennifer there?" I asked.

"Yeah hun hold on."

"Ok."

I waited a few moments.

"Hello?" Jennifer asked.

"Hey."

"Oh hey Savannah whats up?"

"Well……….Dad just hit me."

"Um what?"

"My dad just hit me."

"Oh god. Are you ok? Stupid question, of course you're not ok if your dad just hit you. Sorry."

"It's ok. I'm just………in shock right now, I guess. And scared."

"Do you want me to come over or ……..?"

"Yeah could you?"

"Yeah I'll be right over."

"Ok bye."

"Bye."

We hung up.

"Savannah," Mom called.

I guess she and Matt were done talking.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Matt will be staying with us for the next few days."

"Ok. And Jennifer's coming over."

"ok."

The doorbell rang. Mom answered it.

"Hi Jennifer," she said.

"Hi Lucy," Jennifer replied.

I went downstairs.

"Hey," I greeted Jennifer.

"Hey," she said.

"You wanna go up to my room?"

"Yeah ok. It's so nice to be out of our house."

"Yeah."

Pause.

"See, thing is, Savannah," Jennifer said.

I looked at her; "yeah?"

"We can't turn your dad in to the police because he _is_ the police."

"Yeah that's true."

Dad worked for the police force.

We went up the stairs down the hall to my room.


	15. Sunday

It was Sunday night and I was over at Jason's apartment. Jennifer was at Thorn's. Jason and I were sitting on the black leather couch watching tv, trying to drown out the other apartment noises. I'd been at Jason's for the past few days. My dad was still hitting my mom and I. Within the past few months Jason and I had become friends. He was Jennifer's boyfriend but the 3 of us were now friends. Thorn was Jennifer's girlfriend. Jennifer was bi. Jason didn't mind that Jennifer had a girlfriend and Thorn didn't mind that Jennifer had a boyfriend.

"Ya got school tomorrow," Jason reminded me.

"Yeah I know. But at least ill get out of the house."

"True. Ya want anything to eat?"

"Chips."

"Ok."

Jason stood up, went to the kitchen, got out 2 packages of chips, sat back down on the couch and gave one to me.

"Thank you," I said.

"Mmhmm."

There was a box of pizza on the black coffee table we had been eating, along with 2 bottles of Jones root beer. Jason and Jennifer drank and smoked but they didn't drink around me. They did smoke though but I didn't mind it.


	16. Chapter 16

It was 9 p.m., dark and Jason and I were almost asleep. He let me sleep on the couch, which wasn't all that comfortable and he slept on the now cleared floor. A few hours ago the floor had been littered with beer cans. Jason had needed to clear them away in order to make room for him to sleep. A knock came at the door.

"Yeah?" Jason called.

"It's Jennifer. I forgot my key."

"Oh. Ok. Hold on."

"Ok."

Jason got up, went over to the door, unlocked it, opened it and found Jennifer standing on the other side of the doorway.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey. Um, can I come in?"

"Well, Savannah's here….."

"Savannah? You let Savannah stay at your apartment overnight?"

I stood up; "Jennifer, it's not what it looks like."

"I think it's exactly what it looks like."

"Jennifer, we didn't, do anything," Jason said.

Jennifer stepped inside and closer to me.

"How long have you been staying here?" she asked.

"Well I…."

"How long?"

"A few days."

"A few days. A few days! God Jason a lot could've happened in a few days."

"Yes but it didn't."

"No, it didn't," I said.

Jennifer turned to me; "who asked you?"

"Well no one I just thought id give my opinion."

"Savannah I didn't ask for your opinion."

"Exscuse me," I said brushing past Jason and Jennifer on my way out the door. I left Jason and Jennifer there to argue as I left the apartment building.


	17. Downtown

Nothing had happened between Jason and I, we were just good friends. We both knew this. We both knew it was true. Therefore we didn't have anything to prove to Jennifer. Maybe something had happened at her house, or between her and Thorn.

It was just so upsetting everything was. Overwhelmed emotionally. Everything from the past few months the past few years was coming back up. The deaths the rape the arguments the hitting the drinking. It was all too much sometimes.

I had forgotten how cold it was outside and that I had left my coat at Jason's. I didn't know where I was going or where id end up I just knew that I was upset and needed to go somewhere that wasn't my house or Jason's. My cell phone was dead and my mom was probably too drunk to care where I was. She was a good mother but ever since dad started hitting me shed been drinking more as id been cutting more. But we all have our little habits.

Somehow I'd ended up downtown. I loved downtown but not at night. The dark terrified me. There were things looming in the dark that you couldn't see until they came inside you and physically damaged you. I'd been terrified of the dark ever since that party 6 months ago. I just hoped I wouldn't run into Chris. He still terrified me.

Even at night downtown had bright lights. Clubs hotels and bars were open 24 hours although most people went clubbing and to bars at night. A guy leered at me and I shrank back. Every few feet there were street lamps lighting the way. But it's the darkness you had to be careful of.

Downtown smelled of smoke, perfume, cologne and all sorts of food wafting out of its restaurants. There was so much energy, even at night. People were still passing each other but not really going anywhere.

A car slowly drove by me and a window rolled down.

"Hey you," a guy said. I kept on walking staring straight ahead.

"Hey, you," the guy said; "I'll give you $5."

I just kept on walking. Because sometimes that's what you have to do in life.

I was not a hooker; I didn't even have sex anymore. And I wouldn't have taken the $5 even if I was one. That wasn't much money.

All around me were people, buildings, clubs, bars, hotel, restaurants, stores, cafes, street lamps and people. Somewhere around here I knew there was a library. It was closed now. It was night and I was paranoid, as usual. Somehow I had ended up at a bar. I went inside, where it was crowded and warm. Sports were playing on the tvs. There were mostly middle aged men but some women too. I saw a woman who looked like mom but I couldn't tell.


	18. Chapter 18

I continued on my way down the sidewalk in the dark cold night. People were passing me and I was passing them although we didn't know each other. Some people were sitting on the sidewalk against the side of a building.

"Hey," one of them said.

Again I kept walking.

"Hey, you," she said; "cmere. We won't hurt you."

I knew that phrase all too well. And what it really meant.

"I'm Charlotte," the girl said.

Since she had introduced herself I felt compelled to talk to her.

"Yeah?" I said, turning to face her.

Her silver necklace glowed.

"Hey," she said.

Even though she was homeless she was very pretty.

"I'm Charlotte and this is Angela," she indicated the girl next to her.

My grandfather had always taught me to try and help people.

"I'm Savannah. I like your necklace," I said.

"Thanks. You're really pretty."

"Thank you."

"Whatru doin down here?" a blonde asked me; "you don't look like the type that would be down here."

"No, you don't," a voice said from the darkness.

It belonged to a black guy.

"You prolly have somewhere to go," a brunette said.

"Well I do but I don't want to go there," I countered; "it's not exactly the best place to be right now."

"What, better than this?" another brunette asked.

"Well at least your parents don't hit you."

"Mine did," the blonde said.

"And mine did so much more," the first brunette said.

"And what about the rest of you? Don't you have somewhere to go?" I asked.

"Yeah. Sometimes," the black guy said; "I'm Akim."

He got up and it was then I realized how very tall he was.

"Wow that's an interesting name," I said, looking up to talk to him.

He was taller than my dad.

"Thanks. I'm a pretty interesting person Miss Savannah."

"Ya wanna come?" the blonde asked, getting up herself.

The 2 brunettes stood up with her.

"Where?" I asked, looking around.

"To where we gotta go. I gotta warn you though it's a long way away."

"Since I have nothing better to do…."

"Alrite lets go. Come with us."

"And trust me I went a long way to get down here," I said.

We started walking.

"I'm Ashley, by the way. This is Scarlette and Rayna," the blonde said.

"Hi," I said.

The place we had come to was very dark as it didn't have a lot of light. There were some stars in the sky along with telephone wires. Around us were apartment buildings.

"No stripping tonight Ashley?" Akim asked her.

"Maybe later, Akim."

"Oh. Ok."

"But I think I got enough last time for us to go get dinner somewhere."

"Ok."

Ashley looked at me; "sometimes I strip at a club down here to make money."

"Oh," was all I said.

Pretty soon we stopped in front of an apartment building. It had lights and music coming from it.

"Well here we are," Charlotte said, opening the door and going up the narrow steps.

We followed her and walked up 3 flights of stairs. On the first floor of the building was a brightly coloured, vibrant burlesque show. On the second floor was a dark club.

Ashley swung open the giant metal door of where we were.

"Here we are," she said.

To the right and left of us were windows looking out onto the city. A candle glowed in front of the mirror leaning against the opposite wall. The room wasn't furnished. It smelled of cigarette smoke.

Ashley came into the room and twirled around on the middle of it.

"Welcome to our home Savannah," she told me.

Rayna walked in and twirled around, then landed on a mattress next to Ashley. They giggled and then kissed.

Charlotte, Angela and Scarlette all walked in ahead of Akim and I.

"Ladies first," he said.

"You're such a guy Akim," Charlotte said.

"That I am and shall forever remain one."

"Yeah unless you get a sex change," Rayna said, giggling.

I got the feeling she was drunk.

Charlotte went over and blew out the candle.

"Welcome to the darkness enter at your own risk," she said.

I could hear the music pumping from downstairs.

"Hey isn't it time for your show?" Rayna asked.

"Oh yeah," Ashley said getting up.

"Scuse me luv," she said, pushing past me.

She smelled like rose perfume.

"My dear," Akim said, putting his hands out to indicate that I should enter the room before him.

I did and stood awkwardly against a window. Akim came into the room and stood against the wall.

"Her show?" I asked.

"Sometimes she's a burlesque dancer," rayna informed me.

"Oh."

Someone else came up the stairs and into the doorway. Even in the dark I knew who she was. And she knew who I was. She leaned against the doorway, smoking.

"I got beer for yall," Jennifer said.

"Hey chicky," she said, noticing me.

"Hey," I said.

Akim and Charlotte went over and brought several cartons of beer into the room. They set them on the floor.

"We're gonna get drunk tonight," Rayna said.

She picked up a beer from one of the cartons and opened it.

"Ya want one?" she asked me.

I shook my head; "no. I don't drink."

"Alrite."

"Thanks though."

"Yep."

"A woman who doesn't drink. Now that I admire," Akim said.

I smiled in the darkness.

Jennifer came over and picked up a beer. She smelled like musk.

"Jennifer, you…?" I asked.

"Yeah sometimes. When I'm not at the house."

"Oh."

Memories of my dad were suddenly brought back up.

"Um I have to go," I said.

"So soon? But you just got here," Akim commented.

"Yeah. But it was nice meeting all of you."

"Come back later then?" Rayna asked me.

"Yeah I will.

"Ok."

"Bye chicky take care," Jennifer said.

"Bye Jen. Thanks."

"Bye Savannah," everyone chorused as I left.


	19. Chapter 19

By that time, it was 11 p.m. I exited the building and went around to the darkness. A few blocks up ahead, I saw my grandfather's church, which I knew was sometimes late at night, looming in the darkness. I opened it and stepped inside.

My mom had grown up in a Christian family and I didn't know what religion I was. My parents had let me choose and I still hadn't but they were ok with that. I knew Jennifer's mom Morgan and the guy she lived with were Wiccan/Pagan, kind of.

I entered the room where the pews are, the main part of the church. At the front of the church I saw a man who looked like Jennifer's dad. As I got closer, I heard he was whispering a prayer.

"Shawn?" I asked.

He looked up; "Lucy?"

"No sorry wrong person."

"Oh, Savannah. Sorry. You look so much like your mother."

"Thanks. So I've heard."

"You're welcome."

"Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. Go ahead with whatever you were doing."

"I was just about done actually."

"Oh ok."

I sat down and let him finish, listening to the peaceful silence and the whispers of his prayer in the dark. I didn't know what prayer it was but my mom would probably know as would her siblings and her father, who used to be a reverend.


	20. Midnight

It was midnight and I was outside the church, in the dark. Shawn and I had finished talking and I was heading to my friend Samantha's. Samantha was my mom's friend Sierra's daughter. Sierra was Shawn's sister. Unfortunately it was an unplanned unwilling pregnancy. But Sierra loved Samantha a lot. And I knew shed be there for me too whenever I needed it. She'd been through a lot growing up and so had Samantha.

The night was quiet, ominous and frightening. I got to the trailer park quick as I could. Samantha and sierra lived in the trailer sierra had grown up in. I knocked on the door of their trailer. It was 1 a.m. Sierra opened it.

"Hey hun," she said; "come on in."

"Hi thanks. Can I stay here?" I asked.

She opened the door wider stepped to the side and let me in. I came in. she closed the door.

"Yeah but……..why aren't you at your house?"

"It's a long story."

Samantha was sitting on the long rectangular brown-orange couch in the small living room, wearing a long black skirt and a cute, short sleeved black blouse. Gauze was wrapped around her wrists and lower arms. Her long, curly black hair was down and half of it was pinned back with a large round black barrette.

"Hey Savannah," she said when she saw me.

"Hey."

"Whatsup?"

I crossed the room and sat down on the couch next to her, which wasn't all that comfortable.

"A lot. Too much it seems," I answered; "you?"

"A lot as well."

Sierra brought over a cup full of liquid for me.

"Thanks," I told her.

"Mmmhmm."

She sat down on the couch next to me.

"What's going on Savannah?" she asked.

I sipped some of the liquid, which was warm and spiced. Chai tea.


End file.
